*heavy sigh*

My brain hurts and I have so much to do I am frozen. Stuck, I didn’t even want to write… type. I want to sleep now… Here is the down. I was level for a long time, and now I crash while being aware that my body is getting tired of always having to heal… Constant state of things are going to be ok eventually and here I am trying to will myself to work for at least 2 hours because I am going deeper into a debt I never wanted or asked for… I never planned to not have it either though. I tried.

Life is going to be ok.. This is going to be better in the end.
When is the end? When do I get to actually be happy and rest without being worried my mental state is going to fuck everything up?! I feel so much better and still dreadfully the same.

Mental illness.. The idea that just because.. ohhh

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Can I feel my skin today?

I can feel the history of myself as my fingers run over my skin.
The bumps, the dips, the jagged edges and hurts, pains, how smooth it is, how the cold jumps from there to there and here to here…
Oh my body aches. as my soul heals.
I can feel my history on my body
I can feel the stories on my bones

My body aches… so much. My being is drowning in the pain. How am I supposed to have the energy to get out of here.

My mind wonders and I am distracted again. This is the distraction.
Do I even know hot from cold?

Tonight it is my arm. Just below my shoulder.. Where I scratched open when I was living in Oregon. I created 4 ugly cuts… burns? on my skin. Hello long sleeve shirts in summer. I remember why it happened. I remember who I was.
Similar to who I am now and not so the same.

Starting again. I wonder how many people can pay attention to the cooling of their skin, while working through past trauma, and blogging, watching Elementary, and getting ready to word vomit my previous/ current relationship. And this is normal. I look crazy. And lazy.

No yoga classes this week. Soooo hopefully I can get myself to at least meditate sit once a day or something.

Being centered and listening to me…

History has repeated itself once again!!

I physically assaulted my abuser today.
I was being blamed for not asking or saying what help I needed in an intense situation. And I shared that in a chaotic situation, I should not have to play by play everything that needs to be done. I heard a can of soda be hit and fall over and start pouring out onto the carpet. And instead of the person (abuser) grabbing a towel that are two feet away… He sits there… and then after I walk around the bed and across the bedroom to grab a towel… I should have asked for one. UGH! proactive in situations!!

Just like when he didn’t let me know that his girlfriend was in our bed, after numerous conversations… and it was MY fault I didn’t let him know I was on my way home.
Just like when I reminded him (while involved in Christianity) that as “leader of the household” he was supposed to be leading bible studies. And it wasn’t happening because I wasn’t reminding him.

Those are just two examples off the top of my head. We were actually talking about him not letting me know he was stuck in traffic for an hour and half while I was expecting him home with some wants from the grocery store. And… no big deal that he didn’t let me know, because he was angry at me… because I wasn’t talking to him, because of a disagreement we had the day before.. and it was MY fault because… “I don’t know what to say to you so you don’t get mad”
abuse.

You don’t know what to say, you asshole, because I am not putting up with your bullshit anymore. You feel like you are walking on eggshells because I am not a docile 22 year old that thinks you are a grown man. You feel like a victim, because you are getting a taste of your own medicine.

I am so done with this. I am not going to let this man-baby play the victim. Can you believe he actually is acting like a victim?! It causes so much anger. Which is why I lost my mind and hit him. a lot. I was getting accused of causing his response… again. and I yelled stop and I said no and I said that he was wrong. And he didn’t listen. I told him he was being emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative and he needed to stop.
So what happens? Here comes the victim to claim what I am calling him.
Now he is saying that he is a nice guy… I say, if you have to say you’re a nice guy. You’re not.

I don’t feel bad for defending myself. I believe that what I did was in self defense and that I have put up with so much mental and emotional trauma that responding at the peak of an anxiety attack, while the person that says love can just sit and blame (which I am told I am using that word wrong… yeah, from my abuser)
I hate the person I have had to become. Having to fight fire with fire has taken its toll on my inner peace. I dislike having to walk to same unhealthy path, at least now I know I won’t be coming back.
Im ok with that now. With this.

I am not an abuser. I am a victim fighting for my life. I am in constant arguments over who is right and who is wrong. I am in constant struggle to be heard and regarded as a human being with respect. I am not treated with equality or consideration. There is so much more.

Now to start working on a solid plan to get out of here with my children. I am terrified and so angry.
I am so many other things at the moment and I am… I need to move forward. I need to get out of this toxic situation that keeps claiming I am the toxic one.

While i am the only one, actually reading books about changing habits. While I am trying to expand my life with yoga and planning a career as an instructor. As I am planning for the future and trying to make the world make sense again. While the one calling me toxic, can’t even keep a front porch clean.

I wish I could say that I am surprised my life is here. But it was going to happen. Because with all of this and the 9 years of marriage that were basically me being a maid and sex slave, which we have both acknowledged as true based on previous (still continuing) behaviour. Because there has been little to no real growth. Just some sweet words and minimal “growth” with a lot of excuses for not actually being a decent human being.
Where everything is… Since you got one I do to. And You did it to me, so I get to do it to you. And ugh…

So he has all my wallet and bag with him in the vehicle he left in to go cry on his girlfriends shoulder as the victim. I don’t trust him to bring them back or keep them unharmed so I wait. When I really want to be sleeping.

I have no idea what I am going to do to actually get out of this situation with options and a life that is not still dependant on other people. I can make it on my own as a single mother of three kids. I don’t really have a choice anymore. Because I am done being a doormat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wish I could…
I need peace in my life. I need real love. I need the true and loving me. I need to raise my kids. I just want to sleep.

thoughts

I have this image of me.. While I sit on my love seat.
Hating A. Being so hurt and… all the same. Again. Once again… anyway

Im sitting on my love seat, my slippers on, yoga pants, and a long sleeve shirt. And I see myself, dramatically stand up. And throw the bubbler I am holding on the floor. Then dash to the stairs, in a -woe is me- and up the stairs declaring. I have to go write why I want a divorce.
And then… I didn’t want to become that woman who feels the martyr for giving up her life.

I didn’t. I had my life. And it crumb;ed and here I am rebuilding trying to be the most me I know how in the moment.
–Currentuly talking to a friend about slack– getting the most work done without work.–
Slack is living the vacation life…..

It’s always going to be there. You know that. Right? The pain. It is always going to be there.

I think that is why this is my path. Why we are together. So you can see that the pain never goes away. There isn’t one day where the pain is gone. Leaving a space for happiness. There is no empty space. There is no day that is coming that is going to be a sigh of relief and the pressure gone. That day. Does. Not. Exist.

What does exist though. Is the day that the THOUGHT of the pain happens. And there is this realization…

It has been so long since that has come up. So long since this pain has passed through me.

And in this moment. I choose to hold my head up and continue. Because I did for all of those days in between the start and my story.

I hate knowing the pain and the feelings and the everything is never going to just go away. I’m not going to have a hole in my memory… like I already do. But with the actual trauma… ugh. That would be amazing. To remember a not traumatizing life.

Balancing the history– I don’t give a fuck with the recent history– showing that with love… because apparently I’ve become harsh in my old age… except I’m pretty sure I haven’t. I’m just louder and in a different state. And.. I guess.

*sigh* people suck.

Hmm

What’s the difference between the sharp sting of a rubber band snap and the cool sharp glide of a knife?

The rubberband is socially acceptable way of breaking bad habits or releasing stress. And cutting is very stigmatized.

Both are emotional releases. Cutting is not always associated with suicidal thoughts. A lot of the time, it is a calming release of built up emotions and chemicals in the body.

There is a pain and it is going to be pain, regardless of the habit for which it is handled.

Habits change. That is what changes us. That is how we change. How I. Change.

Slapping my wrist with a rubberband over and over. Helped with being in the moment and if I remember to snap it. As opposed to cutting which was, because of lack of knowledge, the instant no multiple snaps, way to calm and almost euphoria. Leaving scars.

My scars are barely noticable. My skin heals well and I’m thankful. They hurt though, and itch. The itchiness increases with memories of my youth. Scars of self harm are seen as problems. Anyone rarely ever wants to see them… and anyone rarely ever wants to show them.

You do not treat people you love this way. This way is the way you treat someone you want something from.
When I am upset that K did not meet my need, I am sad and need compensation in the form of an apology.

Why do I need to meet his family to feel like our relationship is something? Why do we have to be at this imaginary place of good for our relationship to move forward?
It moves forward and is a relationship regardless of our resolution to these questions.
We continue to move forward…

When I am expecting somehing in a relationship… Basic principles can not be argued over. But how to reach those levels is certainly something to fight about.
Fairness. Honesty.
I have trouble listing principles, because I start to get into morals.

prin·ci·ple
/ˈprinsəpəl/
noun
plural noun: principles
  1. 1.
    a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning.
mor·al
/ˈmôrəl/
noun
plural noun: morals
1.
a lesson, especially one concerning what is right or prudent, that can be derived from a story, a piece of information, or an experience.

2.
a person’s standards of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do