I physically assaulted my abuser today.
I was being blamed for not asking or saying what help I needed in an intense situation. And I shared that in a chaotic situation, I should not have to play by play everything that needs to be done. I heard a can of soda be hit and fall over and start pouring out onto the carpet. And instead of the person (abuser) grabbing a towel that are two feet away… He sits there… and then after I walk around the bed and across the bedroom to grab a towel… I should have asked for one. UGH! proactive in situations!!
Just like when he didn’t let me know that his girlfriend was in our bed, after numerous conversations… and it was MY fault I didn’t let him know I was on my way home.
Just like when I reminded him (while involved in Christianity) that as “leader of the household” he was supposed to be leading bible studies. And it wasn’t happening because I wasn’t reminding him.
Those are just two examples off the top of my head. We were actually talking about him not letting me know he was stuck in traffic for an hour and half while I was expecting him home with some wants from the grocery store. And… no big deal that he didn’t let me know, because he was angry at me… because I wasn’t talking to him, because of a disagreement we had the day before.. and it was MY fault because… “I don’t know what to say to you so you don’t get mad”
You don’t know what to say, you asshole, because I am not putting up with your bullshit anymore. You feel like you are walking on eggshells because I am not a docile 22 year old that thinks you are a grown man. You feel like a victim, because you are getting a taste of your own medicine.
I am so done with this. I am not going to let this man-baby play the victim. Can you believe he actually is acting like a victim?! It causes so much anger. Which is why I lost my mind and hit him. a lot. I was getting accused of causing his response… again. and I yelled stop and I said no and I said that he was wrong. And he didn’t listen. I told him he was being emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative and he needed to stop.
So what happens? Here comes the victim to claim what I am calling him.
Now he is saying that he is a nice guy… I say, if you have to say you’re a nice guy. You’re not.
I don’t feel bad for defending myself. I believe that what I did was in self defense and that I have put up with so much mental and emotional trauma that responding at the peak of an anxiety attack, while the person that says love can just sit and blame (which I am told I am using that word wrong… yeah, from my abuser)
I hate the person I have had to become. Having to fight fire with fire has taken its toll on my inner peace. I dislike having to walk to same unhealthy path, at least now I know I won’t be coming back.
Im ok with that now. With this.
I am not an abuser. I am a victim fighting for my life. I am in constant arguments over who is right and who is wrong. I am in constant struggle to be heard and regarded as a human being with respect. I am not treated with equality or consideration. There is so much more.
Now to start working on a solid plan to get out of here with my children. I am terrified and so angry.
I am so many other things at the moment and I am… I need to move forward. I need to get out of this toxic situation that keeps claiming I am the toxic one.
While i am the only one, actually reading books about changing habits. While I am trying to expand my life with yoga and planning a career as an instructor. As I am planning for the future and trying to make the world make sense again. While the one calling me toxic, can’t even keep a front porch clean.
I wish I could say that I am surprised my life is here. But it was going to happen. Because with all of this and the 9 years of marriage that were basically me being a maid and sex slave, which we have both acknowledged as true based on previous (still continuing) behaviour. Because there has been little to no real growth. Just some sweet words and minimal “growth” with a lot of excuses for not actually being a decent human being.
Where everything is… Since you got one I do to. And You did it to me, so I get to do it to you. And ugh…
So he has all my wallet and bag with him in the vehicle he left in to go cry on his girlfriends shoulder as the victim. I don’t trust him to bring them back or keep them unharmed so I wait. When I really want to be sleeping.
I have no idea what I am going to do to actually get out of this situation with options and a life that is not still dependant on other people. I can make it on my own as a single mother of three kids. I don’t really have a choice anymore. Because I am done being a doormat.
I wish I could…
I need peace in my life. I need real love. I need the true and loving me. I need to raise my kids. I just want to sleep.